Why do i retaliate

There is always a root cause of a problem between two people. So, what happens next? We become upset, hurt, annoyed, and angry. We think about what happened. We may even talk about it repeatedly either to the person who hurt us or to others. Some people who have less control over themselves may thrash out physically to the person or take out their anger on someone else.

As the incident escalates, we find our thoughts and words occupied with how to rectify the situation. Some people will try to solve the problem peacefully by talking it over with the person who they felt had wronged them. Sometimes we try that, but the other person is not willing to listen to change.

Then, we feel we must do something more drastic. This leads to retaliation or revenge. We begin to think about ways to get back at the person who hurt us, or we think about ways to get even with them. We want to see justice done. Our mind refuses to forget what has happened until we retaliate. Thus, from that one incident, we end up creating more scenarios and situations in response.

The other person then may get back at us for retaliating. A cycle of action and reaction may go on and on, escalating a small situation into a major problem. In the video below, taped during a winter holiday program in the Chicago area, Sant Rajinder Singh Ji describes the power of forgiveness and how it can help us rise above feelings of anger excerpt :.

What has happened in the process? We have lost our peace of mind. The initial incident may have lasted a few moments, or a few hours, or a day, but we have now spent hundreds of hours and countless days replaying what happened and thinking about how to get even. In the process, the precious moments of our life have been wasted. Instead of keeping our attention on what can help us, we have wasted the time in replaying a bad movie.

Thus, we lose more than the person does to whom we are directing our anger. Other acts to oppose discrimination are protected as long as the employee was acting on a reasonable belief that something in the workplace may violate EEO laws, even if he or she did not use legal terminology to describe it. Engaging in EEO activity, however, does not shield an employee from all discipline or discharge. Employers are free to discipline or terminate workers if motivated by non-retaliatory and non-discriminatory reasons that would otherwise result in such consequences.

However, an employer is not allowed to do anything in response to EEO activity that would discourage someone from resisting or complaining about future discrimination. That's true even if the claim turns out to be unfounded, as long as it was made in good faith. A recent Supreme Court case confirms that an employee's participation as a witness in an internal investigation is protected, too.

And various federal laws protect other types of activities, such as "whistleblowers" who complain of unsafe working conditions or those who take legally-protected FMLA leave. In addition, some state laws prohibit employers from retaliating against employees for other reasons—for example, for filing a workers' compensation claim.

Sometimes, it's hard to tell whether your employer is retaliating against you. For example, if you complain about your supervisor's harassing conduct, his attitude and demeanor may change. But if the change means he acts more professionally towards you, that isn't retaliation even if he isn't as friendly as he once was. Only changes that have an adverse effect on your employment are retaliatory. On the other hand, if something clearly negative happens shortly after you make a complaint, you'll have good reason to be suspicious.

For example, you might have a case if your boss fired you for not being a "team player" a week after you complained to management about him sexually harassing you. But remember, not every retaliatory act is obvious or necessarily means your job is threatened.

It may come in the form of an unexpected and unfair poor performance review, the boss micromanaging everything you do, or sudden exclusion from staff meetings on a project you've been working on. If you suspect your employer is retaliating against you, first talk to your supervisor or a human resources representative about the reasons for these negative acts.

It's fair to ask specific questions. Your employer might have a perfectly reasonable explanation—you've been moved to the day shift because there's an opening, and that's what you'd previously said you wanted, or you're being demoted after a longstanding history of documented performance problems.

If your employer can't give you a legitimate explanation, voice your concern that you are being retaliated against. While it may be difficult not to take an EEO allegation personally, managers should take a step back to consider their reactions in these situations.

As seen in the earlier case examples, a negative change of behavior toward an employee after an EEO allegation can be perceived as retaliatory. To prevent retaliation from occurring, managers should take the following actions:. It is also important for federal agencies to help their managers understand the behaviors associated with retaliation by incorporating this information into organizational training.

Training efforts should be organic to the agency's culture with a particular focus on management training. Often, managers are not prepared for the inevitable conflicts associated with managing human relations within the work setting. In addition to training, EEO and civil rights programs within the agency should explore ways to provide information to managers at the outset of the complaint process.

This information should acknowledge the potential emotional response involved with being accused of a discriminatory action, as well as the problematic implications of seeking to avenge any perceived offense. By acknowledging the potential negative reactions managers may experience when faced with a discrimination allegation, and reviewing examples of both constructive and problematic responses, these education efforts should help managers to focus on the continued work interaction and relationship with employees.

The EEO complaint process can be a stressful and an emotional experience for both the employee and manager. Notwithstanding this reality, with strategic education and self-analysis, organizations can take the necessary proactive steps to diminish the likelihood of retaliation.

For more information about retaliation, please visit www. Romella Janene El Kharzazi holds a Ph. She has worked in the Federal, Educational, and Private sectors, holding several leadership roles in Strategic Planning, Talent Management, and Research.

Mxolisi Siwatu holds a Ph. He works in the Reports and Evaluations Division which provides support for agency oversight activities ranging from the formulation of data requests to the development of statistical evidence and government-wide reports. Dexter R. He is responsible for Federal Sector Programs within the office which assists federal administrative agencies in the development of strategies designed to prevent discrimination and to ensure equal access to opportunities.

A vigilante model of justice: Revenge, reconciliation, forgiveness, and avoidance. Social Justice Research , 20 1 , Getting mad and getting even: Agreeableness and honest-humility as predictors of revenge intention.