Why do fall in love

Someone caring, kind, sincere, trustworthy, someone who likes and values me, is responsive to my needs, and has a sense of humour. But all bets are off when we actually encounter someone on a first date. Of course, we keep our quality standards in mind, but now we pay more attention to context information, reinterpreting what we said we wanted in the context of the whole person we see before us. We wanted sincerity, but not this over-earnest version. We wanted educated and caring.

But now, we have to decide how much we value each quality. Are we prepared to trade off less of one for more of the other? How fierce is the competition? How slim are the available pickings? How alone and desperate do we feel? Certain readjustments may be required in terms what we are looking for, at least temporarily. And this hot emotional process affects our cold judgments of suitability. We mistakenly attribute our feelings to our rational judgments of their qualities.

Flaws are overlooked, virtues exaggerated. Too late now. We are in love. When people describe falling in love, the descriptions are remarkably similar, even if they sometimes sound a little deranged: a sense of consummate passion, obsession, and possession, swept up in something over which you have little control. You feel high because your body is releasing amphetamine-like substances that increase your physical and emotional arousal.

There are mild hallucinogenic effects — an idealisation of the beloved as unique and special. Sometimes the onset is sudden, more often for men than for women. Romantic love in its early stages activates not just the reward centres in the brain, but also the areas associated with obsessive-compulsive disorders.

There is an intense emotional and sexual preoccupation with the beloved. You want to be with them, know everything about them. At no other time in the human life course, outside of infancy, do you experience such physical intimacy.

From early childhood on, physical intimacy with parents wanes. We learn the habits of normal social distancing — not staring too long at people, confining physical contact within strict cultural limits.

This process is now reversed with the lover — prolonged gazing, kissing, nakedness, intimate touching, and sexual union. Belly-to-belly contact, your whole body touching theirs, vital in infant-parent bonding, plays the same role in romantic bonding. Small talk, sharing formal information about ourselves gives way to more intimate sharing. Tone of voice becomes softer, more tender. Gradually words themselves become less important.

We revert to private baby talk, to cooing. This shared security envelops the couple. All the hurly-burly is shut out. And for those precious moments, and as in early childhood, the rest of the world goes by, unnoticed. But there is method in the madness of falling in love. All of the above is designed simply as glue to keep you together long enough for an attachment to form, and that is designed to keep you together for the longer-term. Oxytocin and vasopressin, the pair-bonding endorphins, take over.

There is a growing sense of kinship, of companionship, a pattern of caring for each other — similar yet subtly different from what happens in friendships. This is the real beginning of attachment, of the ties that will bind us in love or in misery in a more long-term way. This new attachment bond will be shaped by the kind of attachment you formed with your parents in childhood.

Was their love your safe haven, your secure base, your bulwark against stress? And can you now do the same for someone else?

Or was their love so compromised that you too are now compromised, searching in vain for a closeness that carries no risk? Settling for control instead of intimacy, or a repeat of the old pain, because any love is better than none at all. How all that plays out in will most strongly determine how your great romance will end. She explains that many years have passed and she hasn't done much healing. Letting ourselves fall in love because of desire or strong feelings for a person is normal.

Passionate love is developed as a result of feelings that lead to sexual attraction, physical interest and romance. In the absence of intimacy and commitment, infatuation is developed with the person you love.

Some people are obsessed and see that person as a type of object. Commitment is complete love. According to Henry, in modern times, young adults are interested in objects more than relationships. When you feel lovable you project that out and other people notice," Palmer said.

The needier they appear, the less chance there is for someone to enter their life to fulfill those needs," she added, noting that it's critical to "love yourself without being dependent on other people's opinions. Once you're ready to love yourself and are open to outside love, the rest is timing, chemistry and common ground. Although the old saying " opposites attract " remains prevalent, it's actually false in most cases. At the end of the day, love is relative, so don't expect your relationship to look, feel or act the same as past experiences or like those of your friends.

Ever looked back on a teenage romance and wondered what you were thinking? You're not the only one. Sign up for our Newsletter!

Mobile Newsletter banner close. Mobile Newsletter chat close. Mobile Newsletter chat dots. Mobile Newsletter chat avatar. Mobile Newsletter chat subscribe. Why Do We Fall in Love? Why do fools and everyone else fall in love? Experts weigh in on the science and chemistry of love. What children learn about love from their parents determines how they will love others as adults.

Now That's Interesting. Nicki Nance, licensed psychotherapist and professor at Beacon College in Leesburg, Florida, has suggested that falling in love "is socially defined. We would still bond, though. What are the first signs of falling in love? One thing that happens is our brains and hormones go wild when faced with a sincere love interest.